"By then I wasn't just asking questions; I was being changed by them. I was being changed by my prayers, which dwindled down nearer and nearer to silence, which weren't confrontations with God but with the difficulty - in my own mind, or in the human lot - of knowing what or how to pray. Lying awake at night, I could feel myself being changed - into what, I had no idea. It was worse than wondering if I had received the call. I wasn't just a student or a going-to-be preacher anymore. I was a lost traveler wandering in the woods, needing to be on my way somewhere but not knowing where."
Jayber Crow, by Wendell Berry
I am just beginning this novel by Wendell Berry. It's about a young man who struggles with his "call" to ministry and in the end abandons that call and becomes a barber. Through his struggles, you read about his spiritual journey and his interactions with the various people of the town. In this novel - this story - I find myself reflected in the Jayber's thoughts and struggles.
In the end, we just don't ask questions, we are changed by them. Questions have a negative connotation with some folks - as if they signify doubt. And, maybe they do indicate doubt. But doubt is not the end of faith. Sometimes it's the beginning. If we allow them to, our questions will change us and not always for the negative - many times for the positive. Our questions change us into folks who realize that life is not always about having easy answers but sometimes living in the middle of ambiguity but with a deep faith in God who also resides in that ambiguity. Our questions change us into people who keep searching and keep exploring because we don't believe we hear the final word in this lifetime - but that there is more to learn, more to hear, and more to understand. Our questions keep us humble and open because we don't fall into the arrogance of feeling we now know it all.
A deep step in faith happens when we realize we are not just asking questions but that we are allowing the questions to change us. That's when we realize we are truly on a spiritual journey and a powerful search. And maybe, just maybe, there will be an answer along the way that will transform our hearts and souls.
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